32 and Grateful

Today is my birthday and I decided to do a no complaint challenge for 5 days. (BTW, I haven’t been on instagram since last month.) It’s funny because how we have a picture in our heads about how life is supposed to be. I remember in high school how I swore I would have a great job, luxurious apartment and a rolodex full of friends to conquer the world with by 25. Ha fucking ha.

32 sounds official when you say it out loud, but deep inside I feel like a 19 year old trying to figure it out without Mom’s help. I am blessed to see today especially in a world where a lot of people don’t make it out their twenties. Sometimes, I get angry for myself for letting me getting to me. I have a lot and I still beg for more. I pray for strength and patience and get angry at the obstacles that come my way.

Yesterday, I cried because I felt so defeated because my husband hasn’t found a job yet. It’s been a month and I see him trying so hard. Calls, interviews and connections haven’t panned out. It’s frustrating seeing your husband try so hard and gets rejected over and over. Plus, I worry about the bills. But, we have been through this in the past and things always worked out.

I am 32 and grateful.

 

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Fucking Fibroids

I have to be at the hospital at 5am to remove two fibroids from my uterus.

Cost: $1400 out of pocket and that’s with insurance. My district’s insurance plan blows elephant dick. I am hoping that this will relieve some of my heavy bleeding, fatigue and give me the opportunity to wear white jeans before Labor Day.

Yesterday was a bad day. I am worried about money and my husband has been laid off for a couple weeks already. I know that he is trying the best that he can, but my anxiety is rising by the day. I am super nervous about being on anesthesia and I am on my period, so life sucks at the moment.

Usually, I am a ball of sunshine and nonchalance, but I feel like there is a storm cloud over my head. Hopefully, the storm will pass soon so I can have a picnic.

Without Child

As a teacher, I instruct students how to read and analyze texts while challenging their thoughts, ideas and beliefs through discussion, projects and media. Shaping a young mind is important. As the school year passes, I wonder if I did a good job. Was I fair to everybody? Was I good role model?  Should I revise a lesson?

Good teachers care and constantly want to grow. But there is one feeling that cannot be described: hearing that piercing bell on the last day of school and watching students run down the hallway. This year, I raised my hands to God and gave Him thanks because it is stressful, exhausting and draining to be a hand in someone’s education while juggling conferences, overdue bathroom breaks and the endless of fuckery of the state.

As I watched the children run to their fabulous cruises, adventurous road trips and late night facetime conversations, I visualized my childfree summer of book reading, wine sipping and bingewatching Criminal Minds. I always knew I would be childless and I am okay with it. I truly enjoy my life as it is now. I don’t feel ’empty’ or ‘incomplete’. My husband and I are a family because I can choose my definition of a family.

As an intersectional feminist, I support all women’s decisions for their own lives. After all, you are the one taking residency in your body. I wish society can understand that children aren’t a requirement for a woman especially if she’s black, married and young. Children are a blessing to those who treat them as such. But I believe blessings can be in many forms like coming home to a quiet house after a long day’s work, being able to travel at a moment’s notice and not having to live up to the impossible standards of being a supermom.