Mental Gymnastics

School has started and I am exhausted.

I wish I would have kept up with my walking and practicing my sign language.

I was up to 9 miles a week and I was teaching my hubbie sign.

Now I collapse on the couch with my eyes rolled backwards and today I practiced the alphabet.

Two steps forward and one step back.

Still waiting for my husband to go back to work. The spirit of unemployment is alive and well in this house. The savings account dwindles by the week. I’ve already decided which bills I’m not going to pay.

I’m having visions about exploring a new career field, but don’t feel secure about it because of my husband’s instability? Logic tells me to shut the fuck up and be grateful I have a job with benefits. Ethos tell me to spread my wings and to shoot for the stars.

Staying positive while broke is turning into some type of mental gymnastics. I throw myself at work while ignoring the countless bill calls and account alerts. In the back of my mind, I feel the thoughts creeping forward. I crush those thoughts and try to be optimistic, but it is hard. Right now, my gas tank is on E and my spiritual tank is 3/4 full.

I am alive and healthy. I have a loving husband who adores me. A family who supports me and likes having me around. A couple of kooky friends. A job that provides me with benefits and time off during holidays. Life could be worse. But it could be better.

Gratefulness. Patience. Understanding. I repeat these words to myself because I need to remind myself what I am lacking.

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Fucking Fibroids

I have to be at the hospital at 5am to remove two fibroids from my uterus.

Cost: $1400 out of pocket and that’s with insurance. My district’s insurance plan blows elephant dick. I am hoping that this will relieve some of my heavy bleeding, fatigue and give me the opportunity to wear white jeans before Labor Day.

Yesterday was a bad day. I am worried about money and my husband has been laid off for a couple weeks already. I know that he is trying the best that he can, but my anxiety is rising by the day. I am super nervous about being on anesthesia and I am on my period, so life sucks at the moment.

Usually, I am a ball of sunshine and nonchalance, but I feel like there is a storm cloud over my head. Hopefully, the storm will pass soon so I can have a picnic.

Update on Spring Break

Hey, I am still broke as fuck! But I am sticking to my goal on paper and have been saving wonderfully. It is slow process and it takes responsibility (which is something I lack in life). I am happy to say that I am on track with saving for Miami and my savings account. I hope to keep up the good work. Now, if only someone gave me a gold star….

Spring Broke

Spring Broke is just about over. It started out with a bang last Saturday. Did a 1-stop BBQ tour stop at a church’s barbecue stop and ended up at the Golden Nugget by nightfall. How did that happen? Didn’t win a single dime. The most I ever won was $370 and I hauled ass after that because I knew that wouldn’t have lasted long if I stayed.

I love casinos, not necessarily gambling. Casinos bring out the best-dressed yet worst-behaved people. The restaurants are usually awesome, the pool is usually fun and the bars have good drinks. After the casino was the 2 hour ride back to Houston, eyes were heavy and the day had defeated us.

After the bang, it has been quiet all week. I’ve been in the house chilling, watching TV, and taking naps which is cool. I’m sitting still because I need to watch my pocketbook. Miami is in June and I put myself on a…budget. I used to avoid that word. It sounds so limited, so drastic, so adult. The reality is that I’m spending too much and not saving enough. I have too much debt and not enough income. My credit score fucking sucks and I pay too much interest in the credit cards, car notes and other host of shit that I am financing.

It took a lot to type those last sentences. Usually, those are thoughts I push back in my head and ignore and pretend that it’s not that bad. So, I read a quote by Erykah Badu that said, “Write it down and watch shit get real.” Or something to that effect. I wrote down the current balance to my savings account and came up with a weekly (husband gets paid weekly) and month plan until April 15th). I am saving 10% of every paycheck and writing it down as a bill. Usually, I save whatever’s left (or nothing at all) which is nowhere near 10%.

Also, I am going to stop my husband from eating money up. He works a shift schedule and doesn’t like to pack a lunch, so he’ll go to Subway, Popeyes and other shitty fast food restaurants that are incredibly gross and cost too much. I’m a fat girl and I hate fast food. If I have to eat it because I didn’t pack a lunch,  I am pissed. I digress…he spends anyway from $40-$100 on lunch, late night snacks, etc.

Instead, I’m going to pack his lunch for him. (What a nice wife.) Sit my ass down instead of wandering the mall. Stick to my plan on paper and pray for patience, understanding and guidance.