School has started and I am exhausted.
I wish I would have kept up with my walking and practicing my sign language.
I was up to 9 miles a week and I was teaching my hubbie sign.
Now I collapse on the couch with my eyes rolled backwards and today I practiced the alphabet.
Two steps forward and one step back.
Still waiting for my husband to go back to work. The spirit of unemployment is alive and well in this house. The savings account dwindles by the week. I’ve already decided which bills I’m not going to pay.
I’m having visions about exploring a new career field, but don’t feel secure about it because of my husband’s instability? Logic tells me to shut the fuck up and be grateful I have a job with benefits. Ethos tell me to spread my wings and to shoot for the stars.
Staying positive while broke is turning into some type of mental gymnastics. I throw myself at work while ignoring the countless bill calls and account alerts. In the back of my mind, I feel the thoughts creeping forward. I crush those thoughts and try to be optimistic, but it is hard. Right now, my gas tank is on E and my spiritual tank is 3/4 full.
I am alive and healthy. I have a loving husband who adores me. A family who supports me and likes having me around. A couple of kooky friends. A job that provides me with benefits and time off during holidays. Life could be worse. But it could be better.
Gratefulness. Patience. Understanding. I repeat these words to myself because I need to remind myself what I am lacking.
South Beach will be my life in ten days.
I have 4 1/2 days until school is out for summer.
I spend my work days making lists of shit I want to do, make, buy or visit. My students pretend to read the book that I have no interest in teaching or discussing. Today, I bought ash gray platform heels to go with my black jumpsuit. The price was phenomenal: $11.90. I couldn’t pass it up. So, I just wait and wait and wait…
Isn’t that what life is made of? Waiting for the good days to come while wishing the bad ones go away…
I just want the simple things
I want you
I want my husband to be safe and secure in who he is and where he is in life. I know that he tries so hard to be the best him that he can be. Unresolved issues in his life has caused him to be insecure, incomplete and not enough for others. I believe that he is whole and complete. I want him to know that I love him with all my soul, not my heart. My heart will stop eventually, but my soul will live on.
I want my brother to come home from prison. 22 years is much too long. So much life has been lived in five years. People have been born and died in the time that he has gone. He has made some fucked up decisions and I wish I was aware on how bad they were. Maybe I could have did something to change his mind. I hate the justice system because they hang the petty thieves while the killers run free. Fucking America.
I want a true female friend. I want the type of friendship where we can see each other without makeup on a random Tuesday night while eating Chinese food. It would be cool to go on road trips and reminisce on embarrassing moments. I have friends, but it’s like they are phone friends and they live in the same city. Which really sucks. Maybe it’s me and I am not a good friend.
Instead of wanting, I need to realize that I have.
I have a husband who is funny, hardworking and a deep thinker.
I have an intelligent brother who loves to read the Bible.
I have 2 sisters who I love to hang out with.
a pair of Chanel sunglasses because I always wanted a pair since college
double-pane windows so I won’t hear cars pass by while I am in the bed
to stop bleeding so I can stop financing Kotex and Always (fucking fibroids!)
to take my braids down so I can see how long my hair is
to watch Season 2 of HTGAWM on the Netflix (Hurry the fuck please!)
I want my friend to hurry up and pay for her plane ticket
20-30 tops to wear to brunch, church and the bar
5-6 pairs of wedges or heels that support my flat feet
Not to be on some resolution shit because I hate that shit. I feel more of a fresh start when the school year starts in August than in January. Lately, I’ve been really on some focused shit. Professionally, I am happy. I work at a school where I like the people and the kids are pretty decent. Plus, I live a mile away. So, that’s what’s up.
Financially, I am a work in progress.
Sallie Mae or Navient or whoever the fuck they want to be today is still riding my hood, but Ima take care of that. I’ve been saving my coins and been more focused on mindless spending which is a HUGE problem for me. Last night, I went to Nordstrom Rack and didn’t spend a dime. I had some earrings (2 pairs) in the basket, but I said no. It was only gonna be like $20, but still. Like I said, I’m on some focused shit.
Personally, I’ve been on some truth with myself and others. Not the harsh, ugly type of truth, but the type of truth you tell someone without them wanting to bash your head in when you walk away. I have tact, love. I live in the South. My makeup skills are improving and my skin is getting clear at a glacial pace, but it’s all good.
My faith exceeds my evidence.
The evidence against me: female, black, student loan-ridden, chubby, past experiences, horrible choices and other negative things I could or could not control.
My faith tells me that I can organize a group to help gang members off the street and into employment. Also, my faith tells me that I can put myself on a budget so that I can reach personal goals such as a true savings account.
Thinking of my goals: The evidence says my goals are impossible, but my faith says my goals are within reach.
You can bring yourself out of any situation with the right information.
Why is it harder to find (and to keep) friends?
Why do people of color support Donald Trump?
Why do people lie about being members of Greek organizations?
If you have extremely long nails (1 inch and longer), how do you wipe your ass?
Will I will be able to put myself on a budget so I can afford to go to Miami this summer?